Marianne’s Story

"As I get into bed every night I tell myself: I am safe, I am warm, I am loved, I am here."

My name is Marianne and I was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer with bone metastases in October 2018.

As humans we all know that eventually we are going to die. Our brains are conditioned so that death is not prominent in our thoughts, it will happen one day but hopefully not for many years to come. With my cancer diagnosis I found it incredibly confronting to face my mortality and to accept that my life will be shorter than what I had planned for. I have always prepared for the future mapping my life out to retirement and beyond so redirecting my focus to today, tomorrow, next week and month has been a big adjustment.

The past months since diagnosis have been a rollercoaster. The initial diagnosis was numbing as the bone metastases were discovered first and the following week was spent determining the primary source of cancer. I remember sitting with my husband and GP and being told that there was cancer in my neck and that the prognosis was terminal. Not what you expect to hear on a Monday afternoon! I cried that first day and apologised to my husband and parents for getting cancer and putting them through this crap. I still apologise when I cry or get upset but I am trying to stop this. No one asks to get or deserves cancer. I did all the right things, had regular scans and checked my breasts. I tell myself I am not at fault and that ‘shit happens’.

After diagnosis I had surgery on my neck to fuse 2 discs and remove 2 discs that were gobbled up by cancer. A 3- hour surgery turned into a 7-hour surgery. That was not fun. This was followed by two programs of radiation. Through all of this I focussed on being brave and on my family, making sure that they were okay. I went into organisational mode to the point of choosing my burial spot. (Strange but true and it is a beautiful spot) It was only after the surgery and first round of radiation that the reality of the situation hit me. I went to the ‘dark side’ and have cried more tears during the past few months than I have in my lifetime. I don’t just cry, I wail and holler like they do in the Hollywood movies and in the process scare the bejesus out of the dog. I also started buying tissues in bulk.

During my dark days I found the Thursday Girls. This group of women are a ray of sunshine. No one wants to be part of this exclusive club but what a blessing to find a room filled with empathetic and brave women. The black humour, the tears and laughter make Thursday one of my favourite days of the week.

As my life journey continues, I focus on distraction therapy. I plan outings and holidays so that I have something to look forward to. I still have dark days and struggle with pain but my cancer is stable which is fantastic. I have returned to work on a casual basis and am planning my next big holiday. As I get into bed every night, I tell myself

I am safe

I am warm

I am loved

I am here

May 2019